Tag Archives: Humor

Dumb and Dumber

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Sorry I have been MIA for about 10 days it has been crazy at work. 

We bought the current house we live in just over 3 years ago, and as I have talked about before this house needed A LOT of work. So as we are putting the final touches on the kitchen Misty and myself go to Home Depot to select our kitchen lighting. (I drove, Misty selected) We get the lighting home and I get to work installing the fixtures, I finish the install turn the lights on and realize we bought 2 different colored light fixtures. The fixtures themselves were the same but the globes were different. One was a yellow gold and the other had a pink hue to it. Frustrated to say the least we decided to return the “pink” light the next morning. The next morning we return the fixture, get the new one home and install to notice the same damn thing. Its PINK! At this point I am cursing Home Depot for not labeling their product correctly. I return the fixture again with a few choice word for the electrical department. The sales person promises me it is correct this time. I take the new light and install and not kidding the damn thing is pink! WTF?!?! Misty and I begin to dialog about this, giving up and just getting both new fixtures and it hits us… We may be using two different type and hue of light bulbs. I change the bulbs and sure as shit both fixture are yellow gold like we wanted. DUH!!! We laughed about it however doing what I do for a living I felt like a complete dumb ass! I work with the people at Home Depot a lot and had to do the right thing. The next day I returned to Home Depot and told the sales rep the whole story and blamed Misty for the entire thing!!! J

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Even in sorrow we will find levity!

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It was the spring of 1995 and my family had just lost one member. I was 24 and my 27 year old brother Mark had passed away in his sleep. Mark was a big man, His height was 5’8″ but Mark weighed about 350 pounds. Mark was a good, old soul with a heart to match. I come from a family with 5 boys and 4 girls 9 years before this we had lost our brother Tim in a motor vehicle accident so the Men in the family began to feel a bit cursed. Anyway, during Marks wake we were listening to the eulogy given by our priest. I was sitting in the front row, 2 seats to my right was my brother Mike and in between us was our 5 year old nephew. As the Priest was speaking about Mark and his life the urn with Marks ashes was sitting to the Priests right. We all had our heads bowed as we were beginning to shed tears when my nephew leans over to my brother Mike and ask’s “Uncle Mike, how did they fit uncle Mark into that little box?” With tears in our eyes we began to laugh and laugh hard! People began to think we were loosing it as they were rubbing our shoulders and consoling us. Later that evening we shared our story and to this day it bring one more smile to our faces that Mark provided. -J

JJ found the laundry chute!

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Soooooooo JJ has this thing where he knows his Mother is Deaf and takes advantage of the situation. Today he told Mommy he needed to go potty so as a big boy he goes up to the upper level bathroom and does his thing. I received the picture below today from Misty to see just what his thing was. The subject said “Oh he is in time out”! I laughed for about 20 min straight (that is how long it took me to drive home to ensure the safety of all) Image

Misty was (to say the least) Pissed!!! I am sorry but this was just funny!!! I can see him in my minds eye finding different items to throw down the chute. I was not kidding when I said “this is my life” I see myself kinda like a planet. Yep, I have a gravitational pull and if you sling shit in my vicinity eventually it will slam into me. 🙂 The good thing is my laundry room is now minty fresh!!!! -J

Carnival Fun.

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The year was 2005 and I was running the Maintenance department for a private school in St.Paul. Every spring they had a carnival put on by the school and run by the kids. This was always a very fun event and it was in my eyes necessary that the Maintenance department be very much involved. I had a rather new employee working for me at the time a 22 year old young man named Matt. Matt was a very motivated, smart, fun and a bit naive young man with a big heart, I am happy to say he and I are still friends today. This carnival like most had booths that you could do various things at. So as Matt and I were walking around looking at all they had to offer we noticed there was a “Colored hair spray booth” we decide this would be a good place for us to start having some fun. Matt decides he will go first. Matt does not have hair and he shaves his head so any color he chose would stand out. Matt sits down and tells the little girl he would like Blue on his head the little girl agrees and hands Matt the towel to cover his face. Matt bows his head, covers his face. I take the blue can of hair spray out of the little girls hand and replace it with florescent pink! He looks up, catches his reflection in the window ask whispers “you are a dick!” to me. I barely heard    him through mine and the children’s laughter. He demanded I have my hair painted yellow and to be a good sport I agreed. I have very dark hair and when done you couldn’t even see any yellow. Next we moved onto the face painting booth. Matt demanded I go first this time in order for him to be able to keep an eye on me and I agreed, I had them paint a hammer on my cheek. Matt sits down and asked for a saw, but what Matt didn’t know is earlier when he turned around to look at some of the other booths I told the girl doing the face paintings “no matter what he asks for, you paint a rainbow on his cheek!” She did!!! So now he has a pink head and a rainbow on his cheek. Matt also when embarrassed his face would turn bright red… awesome!!!! About an hour later our boss Randy comes down from the upper school to check things out sees Matt and begins to shake his head and laugh. We begin to talk about some things we need to do to begin prepping for the spring season, he looks at me and asked ” did you guys take the winter air out of the tires on the tractor?” I looked at Matt and asked “did you?” ( I knew right away where Randy was going with this) Matt looking confused says “no??” ” How do I know if it is winter air?” Randy proceeded to tell him he needed to go purchase a summer air gauge to ensure he was putting in summer air. Matt hesitantly turns around gets in the truck and heads to the hardware store. Randy and I laughing over ourselves are calling the hardware store to be sure they have some fun with this as well. Matt returns about a half hour later with… see below.

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They sold him a digital tire gauge!!! Awesome!!! I will keep this tire gauge for the rest of my life! I see it and immediately see Matt with his florescent pink head, rainbow cheek, embarrassing blushing cheeks walking into the store asking for a summer air gauge. 🙂 I know Matt will read this and laugh. Remember when the most important part of your day was screwing over your friends. 🙂 -J

Safety and Security

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As stated before I run a Facilities department and to not embarrass any one I will never use names. About 3 years ago I decided we would start our version of “Top Ten” dumbest request list, currently we have about 80. 🙂 About 5 months ago I received an email from a coworker who was upset at the fact that the toaster in the cafeteria was not working. The email read ” Joe, I came in this morning and as my routine goes I tried to toast my morning bagel and the toaster failed to work. I pushed the button several times and very hard and it still would not work!!! Do you think it is to much to ask that we have functioning appliances here.” I did not appreciate the tone however my job is to ensure all is operational, and safe so I checked it out and below is what I found.Image

After my laugh riot this was my email reply to all staff.

Co-workers,

In-light of recent events I want to be clear on one thing. If we need black pens we need to purchase them. Toasting red pen and attempting to turn them black is not a good way to be fiscally responsible. We can find better ways to save money. If I misunderstood my findings from a recent work order I received to repair the toaster, I apologize and you may reference the picture I attached.  After further consideration maybe the toaster was used as a storage space for our office needs? PLEASE FROM THIS POINT FORWARD DO NOT STICK ANYTHING BUT BREAD IN THE TOASTERS!

Joe

Cookie Adventure

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So since I spoke yesterday about Java one of the dogs in the house I thought I would share a story about the other dog and her name is Cookie. Misty and I bought a house 3 years ago and to say the absolute least it was a “fixer upper” The house was stripped of all copper, furnace and condenser were taken, the kitchen was completely gutted and that’s just a few things. Anyway, about 6 months ago we began to work on the family room, we painted, built some shelving, and replaced the trim. In order to do the trim I needed to use my air compressor and nail gun. About half way through the job I take a quick break to let the dogs outside. I call for the dogs and Java comes right away and outside he goes. I call for Cookie and she does not come… I call again… Cookie… COOKIE what the hell? I close the door and begin to look for her to see what is going on. I walk into the kitchen and see this…Image

I had many emotions about this. I was sad because I owned possible the worlds saddest dog! I was laughing at the simple fact that it was hilarious. I felt a bit bad cause you look at the picture and she is seriously frightened. “Of all the places in this house to hide Cookie you chose a cupboard?!” Now in my house if someone passes gas Cookie has a minor stroke and runs! Ahhhhh… you gotta love it!!! -J